So, let’s just address the elephant in the room. I have been married once before. It didn’t last long, at all. I want to say probably six months before he filed for divorce. Yes. He filed. Let’s talk about it.
Well, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t completely caught off guard. Yes, you read that right. I had absolutely no idea it was coming. Now, don’t get me wrong, we had our issues just like any other couple. I however, didn’t think that those would warrant seeking council from a lawyer and weighing out options regarding filing for divorce. At this time, I was in therapy and speaking about the dynamic of our relationship and the status of our marriage. Coming from very different backgrounds is hard. It’s even harder when you believe you are on the same page and you aren’t. We shared commonalities in our goals and ambitions. What we did not share, was what this looked like for both of us.
Now, what I mean by this is that our ideas of success for the both of us didn’t align. We both were interested in furthering our education and continuing to pursue different career goals. I was working as a Certified Nurse Assistant and him as a Licensed Practical Nurse. He had experience of being a medic in the military and was able to challenge the exam. This was not his ultimate goal or something he really felt passionate about. Now for me, who was fighting tooth and nail to become a nurse, I did have some resentment because of this. But we’ll get to that later .
He ultimately wanted to work as a Physical Therapist, which is just a tad different from nursing- let alone in a nursing home for psych patients. In my opinion, you really shouldn’t work in an environment like this unless you’re passionate about what you’re doing. But I digress. Well, in order to achieve that goal, he required further education. He needed to continue his schooling and obtain a Doctorate of Physical Therapy and I needed to finally finish my Associates Degree of Applied Science in Nursing. My goal was to keep going to school after that and obtain my Bachelors Degree. This would make me more marketable to bigger hospitals such as Tampa General Hospital. This was the Level One Trauma Hospital where I wanted to end up working.
Well once he began his Graduate School, I finished my initial education for my nursing license, sat for my boards and had obtained my license. I was ready to jump back in though and waste no time before starting back up for my Bachelors. This caused quite a bit of tension. I didn’t understand why, I mean I had always expressed what my goals were. But what I learned was: everyone likes the idea of an ambitious woman, with goals. Not everyone can actually live with it or knows what it looks like. Especially not the men who aren’t used to a little challenge. So pretty much, this put such a strain on our relationship because he felt as though I was competing with him or trying to keep up. This obviously confused me since anyone who knows me, knows I’m pretty much a career student and am always pursuing some sort of higher education (situation granting). But also because I pretty much gave him a blueprint of what I wanted my life to look like before we were even engaged.
Fast forward and we are married (despite probably both of our better judgement), and both in school. I try to maintain a work, school and life balance so for me Wednesday nights typically included drinks with friends, the occasional Friday night out, and pretty much work work work. Now I know this sounds like I’m neglecting my relationship, but he wasn’t much of a date night guy.” Now you never think this is a big deal until you’re married and date night would only happen if you win a gift card from work so no one has to pay for it. ICK. I’m sorry but that’s just not me. I don’t mind paying or alternating who pays, but to be with someone who doesn’t want to ever pay, not really my thing. So there’s more tension. So between school, lack of date nights, this weird idea of supposed competition, we were heading downhill and fast. Which that kind of sucks. I mean, we had a pretty big wedding, surrounded by all of our friends and families. Talk about embarrassing. But of course, at the time, I didn’t think it was necessarily going to end in divorce and me with an ex husband.
Now the worst part? I knew we shouldn’t have gotten married. I knew when he pretended the bank he was going to use to finance our first home together wouldn’t allow me on the deed until after we got married but he insisted on buying the house before. I knew when he shamed me for wanting to further my education and in turn have a better career. I knew when he had to make a checklist of why he should propose to me before he did it. No. I’m not joking. I know. Last paragraph said I didn’t think we would end in divorce. Now I say this because well, I knew I couldn’t pull the trigger. My family liked him, his family liked me, on paper it looked really promising. So I was hopeful after we officially got married. But hope just isn’t enough. We fought, the fights got worse and more frequent. I actually had confided in my mom about some pretty intimate details of our fights, and I was asked what I was doing to make him behave that way towards me. OUCH. Then one day I’m sitting in the bathroom and his phone is on the sink (we had a small bathroom) and it goes off. I see it’s his mom and I don’t think anything of it and I go to read it to him as he’s in the shower and it says “how did the meeting with the lawyer go?” Talk about shock. I don’t think anything has ever caught me so off guard in my life. This is probably why, years later, I can recall it in such detail. Obviously this then turns into a huge fight. He shares that he not only saw a lawyer but also a therapist. Not just any therapist, but MY THERAPIST. Me to me: “umm is that allowed?” I felt betrayed. I felt more than betrayed. I felt beyond violated. So that was it for me. Now the following are not my best moments.
I had an ex boyfriend of on and off ten years. I actually considered him a really good friend and very easy to talk to. But of course, one thing you don’t do is confide in an ex about your current relationship. But of course, that is exactly what I did. Not long after I hopped back on the dating apps. I also took an awesome cruise with my closest friends. None of these probably helped our situation but at this point I was so checked out, I was just pretty much waiting for the papers to come. My husband at the time told me he didn’t actually file but had just gone to speak to an attorney. He spoke to my therapist and provided me with a list of what i could do to “save our marriage.” I was served by the end of the week –just in time for the cruise. Honestly, I don’t think poorly of him. I don’t really know what he has to say about me and that’s okay, it’s not my business. I don’t think he’s a bad guy, I just think not the right guy for me and what I wanted for my life. I think he would at least agree on that last bit. Just not the right guy for me. I think fear really kept me there. I know I struggled with wondering if the opportunity would ever come up again that someone would want to make me their wife. I struggled with my own sense of self and my hyper independence that often landed me alone because of intimidated men. I struggled with the “am I too much?” “Does what I want for myself actually exist?”
What I found was that, these were all insecurities I had but none were true. I am not too much. I deserve love. What I wanted does indeed exist. Scary part is, I’ve actually talked to many women with this same problem, these same insecurities. I’m here to tell you, it does get better and the wait is worth it. Do not settle for what you think you deserve or because you believe you’re asking too much. You may just be asking the wrong person. That’s okay too. Just know when to let it go. I didn’t. I mean I did, but he had to force my hand. But I’m glad he did. I’m in such a different relationship now and it’s everything I’ve wanted and more. I have a beautiful wild baby boy and I can’t believe I get to be his mom. It’s okay to question yourself, as long as you don’t stay there. Remember that you deserve everything and more, and don’t rest until you get it. Xo